Pornography and men’s unrealistic expectations of women

The US produces a new pornographic video every 39 minutes, has a pornographic industry worth 10 million dollars, also has 56% of divorce cases citing porn addiction of either of the partners as the reason. Surely, there is a link between too much porn and too little relationships?

Given that every second, more than 28,000 people are viewing explicitly sexual content online,  pornography has become an increasing area of interest for both men and women ( more men than women), and studies indicate that this is creating a gap between realities of a sexual expectations and fantasies. This gap is, in many cases, degrading to women and there have been a lot of protests from women’s groups on the subject of husband’s demanding unnatural or loveless sex, just like in the porn site. This, reports one group, “turns women into anonymous meat”.

While there are wide and varied opinions on whether watching porn is good or bad for relationships, a very large majority feels it is not ‘wrong’ to watch it, peruse. helping release sexual tension, it may not be a bad companion for lonely men and women.

Sometimes, in a normal relationship, watching sexually explicit content together can actually add variety and pleasure to the act of lovemaking, but that has to be for both partners. The problem is, men, in most cases, start expecting their partners to look like the woman on the screen, behave like her and enjoy what she seems to enjoy. A normal woman, an everyday spouse or partner may not measure up. This may not only be demeaning and hurtful, it may even be painful when the male partner demands unnatural and excessive acts  that he saw online, and which  strangely, that woman seemed to enjoy! So, things start turning ugly only when compulsive watching starts changing the relationships perception. It becomes wrong when men who get addicted to just the explicit act between two strangers, believing no love and trust is required between couples and that it is natural to be promiscuous, making marriage seem like a shackle.

The reason is deeper than just an addiction, men are visual creatures – they get affected by what they see, while women get effected by what they feel. Men enjoy seeing images to either get aroused or satisfy themselves and think of it as normal. Their partners tend to take it as a blow to their relationship, feeling that it is they who are unacceptable, specially compared to the physical perfection of those women online. Men think nothing of that sort. They will continue to watch and enjoy it even if in a satisfying and committed relationship. They do not consider it ‘solo-sex’ and hence insulting to their partner, it is just an ‘éxtra’ for them.

 Having said that, there are certain unnatural and extreme porn sites that may have a bad effect on the mind, and  among them are sites that showcase:

·       Incest

·       Coprophilia  (sex involving faeces)

·       Zoophilia  (sex with animals)

·       Paedophilia

·       Extreme sex (often involving violence)

In addition to these obvious negatives, there is the issue of impossible expectations of physical attributes – impossibly powerful and big male organs and unnaturally neat and beautiful female body parts – most often airbrushed or made up. Expecting one’s partner to look like that is not only foolish, but also demeaning.

Not surprisingly, porn addiction is overwhelmingly a male problem, and is increasingly making women feel unloved, unwanted or unappreciated in relationships.

The consequences of this seemingly harmless addiction are more far reaching than we think. The brain, says psychiatrist Norman Doidge, gets rewired over time, to change its natural patterns. He explains that pornography satisfies all the requirements that enable the brain to form new neural circuitry. Porn triggers the release of dopamine, the exciting pleasure neurotransmitter so the brain associates it with the images. Over time, the sensations and feeling for the real thing become dissatisfactory and pornographic images become more exciting. In extreme cases the tolerance level also changes, needing harder and more extreme porn to be excited.  This results in ‘potency problems”- the inability to relate to the real woman, get excited or enjoy real sex.

What to do if porn is a problem

Discussing   porn habits early on in the relationship gives clarity as well as understanding of each others’ needs. Before it gets to be a problem, there can be calm, solution oriented conversations. Also this discussion can bring out other healthy aspects that can make relationships stronger– fears, needs, maybe how the partners want variety, and most of all, feelings of trust.

 Medically, there is only counselling or psychiatric help. There is no medication. So a sex de-addiction group might help (Sex Addicts Anonymous).  Organisations such as Relate in UK, that provide relationship counselling and sex therapy, can help. In India, Mumbai’s JJ Hospital is planning on a centre for sex de-addiction, The World Brain Centre in Delhi, provides these services as well.

Having said that, it would take time and effort to not let the online world’s biggest money making industry to effect daily life (more than 3000 USD are spent on pornography every second). A start can be made, and that’s always a good thing.