Wednesday 14 September 2016
Tuesday 13 September 2016
Sunday 11 September 2016
Pornography and men’s unrealistic expectations of women
The US produces a new pornographic video every 39
minutes, has a pornographic industry worth 10 million dollars, also has 56% of
divorce cases citing porn addiction of either of the partners as the reason.
Surely, there is a link between too much porn and too little relationships?
Given that every second, more than 28,000 people are
viewing explicitly sexual content online,
pornography has become an increasing area of interest for both men and
women ( more men than women), and studies indicate that this is creating a gap
between realities of a sexual expectations and fantasies. This gap is, in many
cases, degrading to women and there have been a lot of protests from women’s
groups on the subject of husband’s demanding unnatural or loveless sex, just
like in the porn site. This, reports one group, “turns women into anonymous
meat”.
While there are wide and varied opinions on whether
watching porn is good or bad for relationships, a very large majority feels it
is not ‘wrong’ to watch it, peruse. helping release sexual tension, it may not
be a bad companion for lonely men and women.
Sometimes, in a normal relationship, watching sexually
explicit content together can actually add variety and pleasure to the act of
lovemaking, but that has to be for both partners. The problem is, men, in most
cases, start expecting their partners to look like the woman on the screen,
behave like her and enjoy what she seems to enjoy. A normal woman, an everyday
spouse or partner may not measure up. This may not only be demeaning and
hurtful, it may even be painful when the male partner demands unnatural and
excessive acts that he saw online, and
which strangely, that woman seemed to
enjoy! So, things start turning ugly only when compulsive watching starts
changing the relationships perception. It becomes wrong when men who get
addicted to just the explicit act between two strangers, believing no love and
trust is required between couples and that it is natural to be promiscuous,
making marriage seem like a shackle.
The reason is deeper than just an
addiction, men are visual creatures – they get affected by what they see, while women get effected by what
they feel. Men enjoy seeing images to
either get aroused or satisfy themselves and think of it as normal. Their
partners tend to take it as a blow to their relationship, feeling that it is
they who are unacceptable, specially compared to the physical perfection of
those women online. Men think nothing of that sort. They will continue to watch
and enjoy it even if in a satisfying and committed relationship. They do not
consider it ‘solo-sex’ and hence insulting to their partner, it is just an
‘éxtra’ for them.
Having said
that, there are certain unnatural and extreme porn sites that may have a bad
effect on the mind, and among them are
sites that showcase:
·
Incest
·
Coprophilia (sex involving faeces)
·
Zoophilia (sex with animals)
·
Paedophilia
·
Extreme sex (often involving
violence)
In addition to these obvious negatives, there is the
issue of impossible expectations of physical attributes – impossibly powerful
and big male organs and unnaturally neat and beautiful female body parts – most
often airbrushed or made up. Expecting one’s partner to look like that is not
only foolish, but also demeaning.
Not surprisingly, porn addiction is overwhelmingly a
male problem, and is increasingly making women feel unloved, unwanted or
unappreciated in relationships.
The consequences of this seemingly harmless addiction
are more far reaching than we think. The brain, says psychiatrist Norman Doidge,
gets rewired over time, to change its natural patterns. He explains that pornography
satisfies all the requirements that enable the brain to form new neural
circuitry. Porn triggers the release of dopamine, the exciting pleasure
neurotransmitter so the brain associates it with the images. Over time, the
sensations and feeling for the real thing become dissatisfactory and
pornographic images become more exciting. In extreme cases the tolerance level
also changes, needing harder and more extreme porn to be excited. This results in ‘potency problems”- the
inability to relate to the real woman, get excited or enjoy real sex.
What to do if porn is a problem
Discussing
porn habits early on in the relationship gives clarity as well as
understanding of each others’ needs. Before it gets to be a problem, there can
be calm, solution oriented conversations. Also this discussion can bring out
other healthy aspects that can make relationships stronger– fears, needs, maybe
how the partners want variety, and most of all, feelings of trust.
Medically,
there is only counselling or psychiatric help. There is no medication. So a sex
de-addiction group might help (Sex Addicts Anonymous). Organisations such as Relate in UK, that provide
relationship counselling and sex therapy, can help. In India, Mumbai’s JJ
Hospital is planning on a centre for sex de-addiction, The World Brain Centre
in Delhi, provides these services as well.
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